Venting ahead...just to warn you all.

I need to get all this out, so bare with me. It was bound to all just rise to the surface, it was just a matter of when.

Lachie. It all stems back to my poor little troubled boy. And his poor troubled mum and dad. I'm trying my best to do everything to get him on the right track with his Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder and Auditory Processing Disorder. And just awaiting an appointment for his evaluation by the educational psychologist. It's a battle every.single.day to get him to do the things he needs to do. Brushing his teeth, putting clean socks on (yes, he would wear the same pair for a month if we didn't badger him about it). Trying to encourage him to answer in a way that WE understand what he means.

So it comes down to feeling alone. I know there are many parents out there having the same issues. But I truly do feel all alone. While Keith listens to everything I tell him about Lachie's appointments, he never goes to any of them, and he never researches anything about ADHD or APD. Now with the possibility of Dyslexia on top of it, it really does at times feel like one huge burden on my shoulders alone.

I'm tired of people thinking that he is just a spoilt little kid who gets his own way. I'm tired of the way people talk to him like he's a pain in the ass. I'm tired of defending my boy when he is such a wonderful sweet loving child. No, he doesn't like to share. What 10yo boy does. But he loves his family, he loves his siblings with all his heart. I sit here sometimes and cry, wondering how he must perceive life with everyone looking down on him so often. Yes, I am at fault too. I never denied that at all. I do yell at him too often. I really try hard not to. Sometimes its just the way it goes. The frustration is something I just can't describe. It's like this. You have a team. Everyone is supposed to input on that team. But you are the one being loaded up with all of the assignments and homework, and you have to come up with all the answers and compute it all in your head, while the rest of the team sits back and watches you do their share of the work. I understand that Keith works. But honestly, his appointments are only every 6 months, with the rare appointment in between. How hard could it be to take one day off every 6 months and share in this. Take some of the load off my shoulders.

I just need a break. I was just talking to my sister Sue on MSN and I said that to her. And that prompted this post. Because I really feel like I am about to break down in a big way. But I can't. Lachie needs at least one person working with him. And that is me. His mum. His rock. His constant in life that will ALWAYS be there for him. Such a handsome little boy, but oh so troubled.

Today I had to speak to his teacher about his doc apt over the holiday and hand in the assignment he was given extra time to do. I told her how we had even tried bribing to get him to do his work/assignments, and how it had only worked one or two times. She then said "Well, I don't know if I would think he has a genuine attention disorder then, because if he could finish it with a bribe, then he CAN do it." This is the same teacher who ALL year has told me that something just isn't right, that its not normal for a child his age to have such a lack of attention and concentration. And now all of a sudden she thinks that he doesn't have the problem? I'm lost. The one person who seemed to understand me and be on my side now seems like she is backtracking and saying something different now.

I worry about his schooling. I worry how he is going to function in adult life. I hope his communication opens up and enables him long lasting friendships and relationships. That he doesn't feel like he is a failure all his life. And the only way for that to happen is for other people to listen, cooperate and most of all, UNDERSTAND! I am getting quite upset at the fact that when I need to talk about it, its like an annoyance. I know that nobody (as far as I know) that reads my blog feels that way, but there are people in my every day life that just seem to want to brush it under the carpet or make other excuses for it. That is just how I feel. Maybe its just because I'm feeling so alone on it. How do I get through this without losing my mind? How do I get my boy to do the things he needs to do without repeating myself 50 times in a 5 minute time frame.

I feel so boxed in at home. I've lost all motivation to do educational things with my two little ones. I should be reading to them, drawing with them (which i do, just not often enough). I should be building blocks with them and playing dollies and cars and all the things that little people like to do. But just can't find the imagination in me to do it. And that makes me feel like a failure.

Keith and I haven't had time to ourselves since his work Christmas party almost 1 year ago. No one seems to want to mind the kids just for a few hours just so Keith and I can go catch a movie or go out to dinner. It makes me sad. He works his butt off bringing in the money, I work my butt off raising the kids and keeping house.. one night is all I'd want, every couple of months, just so Keith and I can keep in touch with who we are. Yes, we are parents, but we are also lost in that as well. We don't have time for each other and it really does reflect on how we treat each other and the kids. The only person who ever offered, and always said yes if I asked, bless her beautiful heart, is my sister Sue. And I thank her for the times she was able to do that for us. I really do.

I don't know where else I am going with this, but I had to get a lot out, and I hope I didn't repeat myself too much with things. My shoulders don't feel so weighed down, my heart doesn't feel so heavy now that I have written it down and got it out. I needed that. And if you got this far, THANK YOU, you are a true friend and I love you for it xoxo.